To Be A Fraud

A Rebuke of Imposter Syndrome

I’ve been struggling for months on what to write here. What does a writer with no books out and only an upcoming short story in an anthology have to offer? Who cares what she has to say? Then throw in starting my doctorate program and the 24/7/365 job of being a teacher, and I had the ready-made constant excuse of not having time to write anything here.

How can I expect people to want to hear what I have to say if I never say anything? Make it make sense, cus the math ain’t mathin’.

Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash

People tell me I have the credentials to say something about writing. While I may not have traditionally published any novels, I have self-published multiple short stories and novellas (under a different pen name so don’t bother trying to find me lol) and I have multiple degrees in literature (BA and MA in Literature, MA in Teaching Secondary Literature, and working on my EdD in Reading and Literacy) along with being a Literature teacher for almost a decade (as I type this, I am in my Writer’s Workshop class as my students do grammar practice). I also co-own a book packager, have been previously agented, interned at small presses, and mentored for writing programs. I constantly see people who have done way less than me charge out the wazoo for writing advice.

So, why is it so hard for me to believe anyone would be willing to read a free newsletter from me?

Introspection has told me a ton of things related to this and other things, but my main takeaway in relation to this is something I am sure most writers (most people even) go through: imposter syndrome.

This past weekend, I was at Black Book Bash in Jacksonville, FL. First of all, I had an amazing Black ass time. But more relevant to this post, a couple of women came up to me after we’d struck up a friendship over the weekend. They fussed at me for hanging out the last couple days and never mentioning that I was an author.

The issue is, I don’t really see myself as one.

And honestly, they weren’t the only ones that got on me about it over the weekend. Every time someone asked if I was an author, I’d stutter and hem and haw until one of my friends would interject with a resounding YES!

“The answer to overcoming imposter syndrome is not to fix individuals but to create an environment that fosters a variety of leadership styles and in which diverse racial, ethnic, and gender identities are seen as just as professional as the current model, which [is] usually “Eurocentric, masculine, and heteronormative.” - Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey, “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome”

Imposter syndrome is a social construct, even more so, it was developed by and about white women, not taking into account race, class, sexuality, or many other biases. So, it’s completely unsurprising that imposter syndrome is most often experienced by minorities.

I feel like I have to meet a certain threshold to call myself an author, usually defaulting to calling myself a writer, giving caveats on my history, and that I “only” have a short story in an upcoming anthology from Zando. There is a sense of perfectionism that accompanies my imposter syndrome. That old mantra of “We have to be twice as good to get half as far.”

But why the hell do I let that make me feel like I can never be enough because white supremacy says so?

Why is it that the problem with imposter syndrome is put onto the person made to feel smaller? Why do we not think about the social and historical context that impacts the way people, especially Black women, are forced to move through the world? We don’t need to fix ourselves; we need to fix the system and the environments we are placed in.

Even when Black women are confident in our abilities, we are told to be smaller. We are labeled “aggressive”, “arrogant”, and if we dare to stand up for ourselves, “angry.” Well fuck that. Fuck fitting into the mold. I need to start taking the advice I give my students and stop trying to dim my own light. These systems weren’t created for me to fit into them, so why try? Break out the mold, stop trying to fit in, and let that inner light shine.

As I told a young lady in my class the other day, “Be extra. Extra is good. The world is always going to try to make you smaller, but you are not small.”

I used to have the computer background picture that said, “Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man.” When did I stop telling myself that? It’s so easy for me to tell others to embody it, but I struggle with it myself.

In the coming weeks, months, years, I will be working on myself to remember that. I’ll be putting myself out there more; implementing plans on here and my social media accounts that I’ve always thought about, but have been too insecure to do. So follow me here and on Instagram and Threads to join me on my journey. It’s sure to be an interesting ride and I can’t wait to see the way I grow and bloom.